About halfway through my tour I was at Bagram to go on leave and another solider, who knew my background as a therapist, shared with me the symptoms of PTSD he was experiencing after a particularly awful experience. The therapist part of me tried to speak up and offer some suggestions, but I couldn’t do it.
People tend to get particularly defensive when they feel outnumbered by those who do not share their view. In order to have a successful conversation, don’t go into it trying to change anyone’s mind. Rather, make it your goal to understand their view. “Help me understand your beliefs,” is a statement you could try. This might help the other person open up and realize they are not being attacked.
When our partner, friend, or loved one does something that “smells” like past wounds, our defenses go up. The fear of repeating the past comes out looking like anger. Even though we are wanting to be close with our loved ones (spouses, children, friends, and neighbors), old wounds — both emotional and physical — often stand in the way.
When we validate our partner’s feelings we acknowledge and accept the way that they feel without judgement or rejection. However, when we respond to feelings with facts we often miss the opportunity to validate our partner’s feelings, in fact, we do just the opposite.
Children want to feel that they are part of a family — that they belong just as much as any other family member biologically related or not. They want to feel included as if they were always meant to be there, not as if they are lucky to be there.
Mental health and substance abuse struggles are common everywhere. It doesn’t matter how rich or poor you are or where you live. We often hear from the media about consequences of these struggles and what children can expect in their futures. But, what we don’t hear enough of is the recovery and resiliency of children.
