By Fall of 2019 he had officially dropped out and was not doing any more schooling. My son who was a ‘straight A’ student who loved to learn. What happened?
“Is it possible that what I just did or said to my child had more to do with my needs, my fears, and my upbringing, than what is really in their best interest?” How a parent interacts with their child can have a lifelong impact extending far beyond childhood. While we would like to think that our impact is always positive, the reality is that sometimes it can have negative side effects. This is where ACEs come in. So, what are they? ACEs Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs, categorize childhood trauma into 3 areas: abuse, neglect, and household dysfunction. The results of these unhealthy interactions can show up down the road in mental health struggles, unstable attachment styles, and low self-esteem. But what does “unhealthy” actually mean? Well, the short answer is this: it depends. Each individual experiences different situations in their childhood, adolescence, and in adulthood. This graphic, from the ACEs Facebook page, does a really good job of identifying some key ways that parents damage their relationships with their children. But, why? Now that we’ve identified the “what”, it is natural to wonder “why”. Many times, childhood trauma is a pattern repeating itself from the generation(s) before. This includes untreated mental illness, abuse, and more. Additionally, people may not have had appropriate role models to demonstrate what it looks like to meet physical and emotional needs of those dependent on them. “Well, my parents didn’t tell me they loved me and I turned out just fine.” While that may be true, think of all the untapped potential within you as a result of that. The answer to that “why” question is something we might never know. Lack of answers often come from our parents not having the awareness. Perhaps they aren’t aware that they did anything was wrong or unhealthy. And if they do have the awareness, they are unsure of healthier alternatives. People often resort to things they have learned. This is why it’s so easy for things to be transferred generationally. It may seem like I am making excuses for parents who do not meet the needs of a child, but that is not my intention. When the cycle is broken, those responsible should be held accountable for their actions, or lack thereof. That accountability can come in the form of conversations, boundaries, separation or distance. Negative Impacts Now, let’s circle back around to the negative effects that I keep talking about. ACEs can result in things that become our core beliefs. In other words, what we truly think and feel about ourselves. These are likely to show up during adolescent and adult years. Though this list is not all encompassing, here are a few examples of those beliefs: Feeling like you don’t belong Struggling to trust people Thinking that people will leave you Having big emotional reactions to (seemingly) small things Feeling not good enough Thinking that romantic relationships are always really hard work Struggling to say no Feeling angry about the past Struggling with
Kids need a safe place to share feelings, vent, and release stress. If your kids are challenged by another summer that may not feel normal you can continue to connect with them by listening to their struggles. This increases a sense of support in difficult times.
As parents, we love our children and want the best for them, but we aren’t superhuman. Allow a professional to help them explore some of their feelings about COVID-19.
Parents can encourage healthy dating behavior by modeling positive behaviors in their own relationships. If teens see their parents engaging in healthy habits, they are more likely to do the same.
Children are resilient. If they experience a traumatic event, it does not mean they have to be affected now or later in life. They can recover. It is important to recognize the signs of mental health problems and try to get your child help before these events impact them even more.
When people are faced with intense mental distress, the result can be hard to predict. In some cases, emotional suffering can lead to self-harm. One common example of this is cutting. It is important to note that self-harming is distinct from attempting suicide, or even feeling suicidal.
Be part of the solution. Bullying behaviors have a wide-reaching impact on our children and social climate. It is imperative we support our students, no matter what role they play, in preventing, and intervening.
Meltdowns, tantrums, defiance, or aggressive behavior can mask underlying feelings of anxiety. Typically when we see a child being defiant at home or school, our first thought might be, “that child is angry” and “they don’t like to follow rules.” Or we might say “that child is disrespectful.” But, underneath that anger or tantrum, are often feelings of overwhelming anxiety or worry.
Roughly 1 in 13 teens reported experiencing physical dating violence in the last year alone. Much to the frustration of many parents, teens often look to peers rather than mom or dad to help them navigate changes and challenges they are experiencing in their lives. This includes challenges in their intimate relationships.
